reflecting a bit on photography in the birth space.....

There is a part of me that always knew I was meant to work with women.  

And in particular, working with woman in their birth space. And for many, many years I dodged inquires from close friends (who knew me) about me becoming a doula, or a midwife; however, when I found out about birth photography, I knew THIS was something I needed to be a part of. My artist's heart and scientist's mind seemed to insist upon it...to me, this was the perfect melding of the art and science of Birth. 

It took a long time for me to be brave enough though –to become a birth photographer, to know my camera well enough, to know myself well enough– before I thought I could enter a woman's birth space.  And when I did, I was so lucky. The laboring woman who's birth I first attended was surrounded by a team of midwives and doulas who helped usher a sweet baby earth side, late in the night, in the dark and quiet of a birth center.

As much as I was hooked, and in awe, and in love with birth from that moment forward; I also knew I needed to know MORE about birth. What was I allowed to do? To say? To act? To be? 

Even though I had brought three boys into the world, and had acted as an ad-hoc doula to my friends for years, I really had not immersed myself in the birth world before that moment. And it wasn't until some time later, that I really began to understand how my camera and my physical role as a DOULA impacted a laboring women's birth space as well.  I remember telling some of my friends (who at the time were becoming midwives) that I really, really, really wanted to write a blog post about what it meant to have an undisturbed birth and how our cameras could impact a mother's ability to give birth. I certainly didn't have any desire to put my camera away, but I had reached a place where I began to understand BIRTH –and to know when my presence at a birth is hindering the delicate balance of hormones versus helping it. 

I told my friends that I wanted others to know that it wasn't as simple as picking up a DSLR, turning it on and start taking photographs of a birth. It was SO much more. SO much more.

So here I am. Three years have passed since I had that conversation with my friends and I hope that I am actually doing SO much more than a simple blog post. I am actually teaching and mentoring. And I love it! I spoke this past spring at The Family Narrative and am beyond honored to teach at Click Away in 2018.  I really hope I am helping people, potential birth photographers, young and old understand birth. 

And as I wrap up my second round of teaching my Birth Unveiled class with Illuminate Classes, one of my students wrote THIS to me in an email, "When I signed up for this class I was excited about the technical side. I wanted to know how to shoot in low light, any WB tips, where to stand etc. Although you offered these in your class, they were not the items that I took away as the most important. You have helped me evolve in the respectful sense, the way that you prompted us to think about holding space and the role that we have in the birth was life changing for me. And I think it is the reason I am so fascinated with birth photography. You helped me see how important it is that we handle it correctly. I am inspired. Your class has helped me see exactly why I love birth so much and it has inspired me to go after it even more." And all I can think is wow! Yes! Welcome to birth! And I feel genuine love, not just for my students, but a love for all the women who will be moved and changed by them.  

And all of this is really to say, I don't believe we have to be perfect when we enter a laboring mother's birth space, but we have to be open –open just enough to quietly sit beside her during her own experience –open enough to be a witness to that moment in time when she navigated the wilderness of birth. 

newness

There is a soft quiet in the breath of a newborn. Hushed sighs as their lungs learn to breath: welcoming the air, the love, the sky.

What is it in us that longs to breath as they do? To sit mesmerized as we watch their tiny chests rise and fall as they bring in the air from our world? To softly embrace their tiny bodies, caress their sweet skin and smell their sweet scented heads?  This gift of newness. The gift of unfolding. That despite the hardships and the struggle and the long sleepless night that bleed into bleary-eyed says, somehow, somewhere, they are our symbol of beginnings... And of hope.

And our small mark, our greatest art, that we share with this earth. 

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mary ellen mark | bury my heart next to your soul

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I think all my life, I have been influenced by the sounds that Mary Ellen Mark's work has made on my soul. They play a tune like no other. They are simultaneously soft and loud, inviting but disarming. Raw and intimate.

I think each of us in this group had such a difficult time replicating her vision --you just can't. And there was absolutely no way we could actually mount a project such as she did in such a short amount of time. But in revisiting her work, I realize how much the work I produce, or should I say my work within my work, is influenced by her.  When I think of photographers who deeply move me, I always think of Sally Mann. But it has been quite an awakening to go back over my own work, the images I am drawn too, looking at the dusty projects I have been sitting on, afraid to dive into and realize how sonorous Mary Ellne Mark's vision has been in my own life. 

Here are a smattering of photos that I took of a family I deeply care for.  I am not sure if they are exactly the song of Mary Ellen Mark, but I felt that it was, for now, the best that I could do. 

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 this wonderful project will take you next to beautiful Lauren. Click HERE to see her magic and reflection on Mary Ellen Mark. xoxo

on mothering | portrait of a family

I never know what to say when I blog a session. Words, which often come to me so easily, seem to fly away.  I believe that this is due because I am only sharing one piece of their full story. A mother's story. A family's story. A child's story. 

I am always honored though. And with this family it was no exception (not only that, but this mama is an amazing, awesome, spectacular photographer herself and I am over the moon that she let me tag along as she mothers these two beautiful boys). 

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xoxo

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thoughts on awaiting birth

attending. waiting. divining.  we as humans can't wait to welcome a new baby. it happens on the streets when strangers are drawn to the round softness of a mama's belly.

it is magic. it is divine. it is something so mysterious and so absolutely wonderful, that they just can't help themselves. they want to touch the pregnant mama. they want to feel the baby move deep inside, kick, respond to their touch, have the baby tell them, "remember you are human too, remember where you came from, remember how it felt."  

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and sometimes, I am lucky.

I get to photograph those bellies. -that quiet anticipation. the moments before birth. the swelling underneath the clothes. the quiet, and sometimes frenzied preparation in the home. the joyful delight.  

and the very luckiest part of being a photographer and a birth doula, is that I get to know these couples. I get to partake, ever so slightly in their joy, and their love, that they have for the wee human not even born.  

and I am reminded in my bones, of my own birth and the deep love I have for my own children. and, that my friends is pretty special. 

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xoxo

a brief "séjour" in the hills + coffee roasting

I can still smell the hills in my hair and on my hands. The hint of the cool mountain air and the smell of pine and sage entwined in the boys' clothes.  And as I shake them out getting ready for them to be laundered, my heart bows to the small time taken out of our day-to-day to be together in the Fall. The way the Great Oaks reach out to shade the dusty roads and stand guard over the children at dusk. hawks and butterflies drift lazily in the cool morning currents.

Due to the nature of my on-call work, I don't often get a chance to run away to the mountains on a moments notice.  I love being a doula. I love being a birth photographer.  But being a doula and a birth photographer means a life "on-call", a life lived at the whims of babies and the needs of their mamas.  It doesn't mean that I don't love the work that I do, but I find the time away from Los Angeles precious. And needed.  And when I get the chance at renewal, I am all the better for it. 

Here are some images that depart from my usual slew of babies and birth that you typically see. A little orchestra of images from coffee roasting, vegetable picking, and pretzel making while we spent the weekend away at Camp Stevens, located just outside Julian, CA. 

Besides roasting coffee, sampling local beers, making pretzels, digging in the dirt and tie-dying shirts, we were able to set some time aside for just being: Present. Still. Laughing. And living.  And enjoying the wonderful company of family and friends. 

PS. You don't have to be a doula, or a birth photographer, to enjoy time away. xoxoxo

what happens at a prenatal appointment with midwives?

All of my babies were midwife caught. I am one of the lucky few who stumbled into midwifery care quite by accident when I was pregnant with my first child. However, something I didn't really come to appreciate until I was pregnant with my second child, was that midwives are really the experts in normal prenatal care.  One thing I hear over and over again is the time difference between prenatal obstetrician appointments (which tend to be very short) and the longer midwifery ones. That extra time became deeply meaningful to me with each subsequent pregnancy. Even as a second (and then third time) mom, I still had questions and concerns.  So, what goes into a midwife appointment? You might be surprised.

Yes, there is a clinical aspect (just to refute the fear that midwives don't care for the physical well being of mama and child). In fact, somewhere between 10 to 20 minutes of the appointment is monitoring the physical well-being of the mama. This includes routine assessments such as blood pressure, urine dips, measuring fundal height (the growth of uterus, placenta and baby), and listening to fetal heart tones, etc. It also includes informed consent and shared decision making paradigms, as well options for other other screening and diagnostic tests.  The rest of the prenatal, which can be anywhere between 30 to 60+ minutes, is spent on client education and monitoring of the psycho-social aspects of pregnancy and birth (checking in on how the mama-to-be is doing in her work, social, and home life). In many ways, it is time just spent getting to know how their client, and how she is doing.  

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One thing is true: that we all have different needs and wants during our pregnancy. And many of us value both qualitative and quantitative time with our care providers. What was your experience, needs, and wants during prenatal care with your medical care provider? xoxo

when a baby is born at home....

There is something so sweet, so gentle, so absolutely awe-inspring about a midwife-led, newborn baby well-exam. Typically done well into baby's second hour of life, the exam is so absolutely tender and filled with love, that my heart aches for the beauty of it.  

Midwives are not just trained to deliver babies and provide well-woman care, they are also trained in care of the newborn. They make sure all is well, checking for any abnormalities that are not caught during prenatal testing, making sure that everything is working properly and that baby is thriving. Often people confuse midwives and doulas, thinking that midwives are just doulas who decide they want to start helping women birth their babies at home.  It is quite the contrary.  Doula training is typically just a certification process from a 3-4 day class. On the other hand, Midwives have 3-4 years of schooling that is not only academic, but clinical as well. They bring with them a "mini-hospital" to home births (or at their birth centers)-- and have advanced training in life-saving support skills.  In many states, they must pass national boards (such as  NARM ) and often, like here in the state of California, must be  licensed through the state where they practice in. 

I consider myself one of the luckiest women on earth to have been present at so many home births. Witnessing and watching in awe at this most tender and loving care for these babies when they arrive earthside. 

There is this beautiful saying, “The way a woman gives birth can affect the whole of the rest of her life. How can that not matter? Unless the woman herself does not matter.” (Beverley Beech and Belinda Phipps) --I feel that they same is true about our children as well. How they are welcomed into this world is so, so significant. Not every woman feels safe at home, and not every woman can give birth safely at home, but I know that our hospitals and our OBs could learn so much from the wise, tender ways of midwives.  

What do you think? xoxo

delicious light

children. endless gobs of gorgeous light. heaps and heaps of love.

some days, such things can come in barrels and barrels. they pour down, and out, over shoulders, flowing across wooden stairwells in a cabin, in the woods, high above a city. with family.  they happen, there, as the light falls across the sky calling the day awake.  they fall into our laps, into our hearts, and into our memories. 

xoxoxo

september

today i think of towers and ash. of lives lost and loved ones found. a new york i never knew and and the deep canyons that line the walls of my heart. because our souls are made of stardust, and the carbon that builds our bones echoes from a time beyond understanding, i say we live on still. live on even long after we die. not just as memory and song, but part of the dust that presses our eyelids shut in a wind storm and the blisters on our feet as we walk barefoot in the unrelenting sun. ‪#‎arches‬ ‪#‎threesisters‬ ‪#‎twotowers‬ ‪#‎NeverForget‬

a mother's day thought and giving back

I think about her, that mama of mine... and all the memories I have left are the ones carried by me and by those who knew and loved her. 

I desperately wish I had more photos of me and her. Her and me. Me in her arms.

But by 9am this morning, I was over caffeinated, had the most delicious croissant and had hugs and kisses from my three awesome boys. I couldn't help think of how richly blessed I feel.

I miss my mom something fierce, but the other night I had a dream that she was really, really happy. Like this kinda happy:

So let me gift you this. Let me get you in the shot with your littles. Donate to a worthy, mother-loving cause and I will come photograph a mini-session at your home, or at upcoming mini sessions at El Matador Beach the first two weekends in June.

Love hard, donate, and let me know. (offer ends at this Friday, May 16th, all donations and requests to be photographed must be submitted by noon, PST). xoxo 

Please know that I think of the all the sweet mamas, all over the world, who right now might be suffering heartache and loss... just know that from the bottom of my soul I am sending you light and love.

PS. Happy Mother's Day! 
PS. Love your flaws, your children will look past them in the years to come, what is important is the now. documented, in all it's glory.

we are made to form memories

souls made of stardust, feet bare with the bright sun dusting off shoulder blades; 

midwives of memory, storage containers, a chest built from forgotten, treasured years. 

the neighborhood project

A challenge to walk around the neighborhood, take a few photos and NOT look at the photos as you take them? In Deb Schwedhelm's workshop Continuing The Journey the challenge is just that.  At first it sounded easy.... however, I realized I am so used to instantly checking my photographs to see if I "nailed it" that I really struggled to stay focused and relaxed.  The first four shots I took I had to throw out as I instantly look at them. #sodepressing

Then, slowly,  I eased into it. Sometimes I would get ready to shoot, then decide to wait another moment and breathe. They weren't all perfect, but some of the images I loved. Here is small collection of images I culled from the project below.  The last image window is actually an image gallery, so feel free to scroll through those images as well! 

This workshop has been life changing. I highly recommend not only following Deb's work, but tracking down when her next work shop is! 

xoxo

somewhere in boyhood {day 72 | 365}

somewhere in boyhood. quite literally a dog pile. 

these aren't the most technically perfect photographs, but the joy it brings me is worth it. despite how crazy our pups can make me feel, i also know how much they are adored and loved. the boys could not imagine their life without these goofy irreverent dogs, and quite frankly, as much as I may grumble about them, they are just as beloved by me as they are by the boys.   

as i said before, somewhere in boyhood. quite literally a dog pile. xo

saturday slow

sitting on the couch this saturday afternoon, and i am slowly thinking about getting organized for the weekend...even though it feels like it is almost over before it even began. xo